How to Resist When You’re Sleeping with the Enemy
White working-class women are turning away from Trump, according to an article in the L.A. Times. Good news, right? However, a Democratic pollster, quoted in the article, cautioned, “These women are also cross-pressured, because they are surrounded by Trump-supporting men in their lives.”
Welcome to the world I once lived in. For three decades, I was either living with, married to, or trying to get divorced from a man who clung to the beliefs of the Orange County Republicans who raised him: welfare is socialism; white men are the smartest, most hard-working people; and liberals are traitors.
Obviously, I have my own issues or else I would have fled at the first inkling of those reactionary viewpoints, but I had no idea that I would be battling his misguided notions for a good portion of my life. In the early days of our relationship, politics wasn’t at the forefront of my consciousness. I suppose I thought that over time I would enlighten him. I soon discovered the obvious: I couldn’t change him. It doesn’t matter how smart someone is if there’s a brick wall around their mind.
I let it be known from the get-go that I didn’t cotton to racial slurs or jibes against women. His putdowns of women continued, but he wasn’t so crass as to use the n-word. Instead his racism took a more insidious form — as sly disdain for “black culture.” All my arguments bounced right off that wall he’d built around his brain.
Since I couldn’t persuade my husband, I had to stand firm in my own truth. I needed to understand exactly what I believed and why I believed it. I would suggest this to any woman who is in a relationship with a close-minded, bigoted man. Don’t get mad, get informed. It’s not enough to decide you don’t like Trump because he’s crass and incompetent. You need to look below the surface and see who and what is being harmed by this foul presidency. The best way to do that is to open your own mind even wider. Learn about the issues that matter to you, whether it’s immigration, racism, transphobia, income inequality, or something else.
My husband’s ignorance proved to be an incentive for me. Shortly after we were married, I had the opportunity to teach a survey of African-American literature at the university where I was getting my doctorate. Already enamored of Zora Neale Hurston and Toni Morrison, I delved even further into that body of work, studying and teaching Harriet Jacobs, James Weldon Johnson, Langston Hughes, Alice Walker, Richard Wright, Ralph Ellison, and others. My students and I railed at the maltreatment of people of color and also reveled in the exquisite language of those magnificent artists.
The study of literature isn’t for everyone, but one book that every adult in America should read is The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander. Why are black people so angry? Read this book, and you’ll be angry, too. Or watch Ava Duvernay’s documentary, The 13th. Not only will you be appalled at the injustice done to African Americans, you’ll be astounded at the colossal waste of money in keeping millions of people imprisoned — money that could be used for housing and education.
Getting informed provides clarity and confidence, but doesn’t help much in arguments with these folks. People with closed minds don’t find facts interesting. They will instead bombard you with weird anecdotes that “prove” their baseless points. For instance, they always know someone who doesn’t deserve disability but managed to get it anyway, and because of that freeloader, all welfare recipients are obviously cheats.
When information doesn’t work, which it won’t, the best go-to is one’s value system. During my marriage, I studied various spiritual teachings, searching for guidance and inner peace. Almost all religious doctrines offer sage advice for maintaining and developing your values, but if you’re a true Christian (not a CINO as many are) then it’s very simple. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. Is an action loving? Then it’s in alignment with your values. If it’s not, then it’s easy to say: “I don’t agree with taking children from their parents and putting them in cages. That is not Christian.”
For various reasons, I stayed in my relationship even though our arguments became vociferous enough to rip a hole in the space-time continuum. The Bush II years were the worst. He gloated over every defeat that liberals suffered, and I always knew the latest Fox News talking point because somehow, whatever innocuous topic was under discussion, he would link it to something that the monster Bill O’Reilly had recently spewed.
Picture me standing in the aisle of a grocery store, red-faced and screaming, “No, gay people are NOT unnatural! They have every right to marry and be miserable, too!” Then there was the “war on Christmas” and his aggressive “Merry Christmas” to every clerk we encountered even though he’d been to a church only once (for a wedding) the entire time I knew him.
When the time was right, I swam away from that toxic brew. The divorce was sticky, but I finally had the guts to make a go of it. After a few years, we managed to be friends again. That’s when I started to see a change. First he turned off Fox News, and his mental health improved immensely. Then he abstained from voting in the 2016 election. He couldn’t stomach Hillary because her last name was Clinton, but at least he was one less vote for Trump.
Unfortunately, his physical health was another matter, and he had a debilitating stroke. As he battled the health care system, he became a proponent of choice. Our daughter, who was more influenced by me politically than by him, works for a non-profit organization helping formerly incarcerated people stay out of jail. When she told him of the injustices she encountered and what she was doing to try to correct them, he was so proud of her he cried. And as he gratefully embraced the strong black man who helped him to stand upright for the first time in months, I nearly wept myself.
Not everyone who has been sucked into the mire of hatred and illusion will outgrow it, but if you stand long enough as an example of tolerance and reason, maybe someone you love will.
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